Saturday, July 25, 2009

Aqui Estoy Yo

Today has been one of the best days I have ever had. Ever. I spent wonderful time with my precious cousins (it hardly feels like babysitting or like I should be getting paid for it), laughing and playing. Little boys are so funny and so much fun to play with. Went shopping with my mom and enjoyed time with her so much. Had a not so nice workout with Jillian Michaels, but one day I will appreciate it. Then took my Bible and went to the park by my house and just spent time with God for almost 2 hours. It was the most refreshing thing, being out there alone, just kicking it with God. Brings a smile to my face just to think about it again. Headed to Starbucks with the newest Karen Kingsbury book when it got dark and just sat there and read and drank coffee. Then it was off to the Totten household and I got to spend the rest of the night with some of my all time favorite people (still missing one very important person though. 3 days!!!!). And to top it all off, had a little of a conference call with Kelly, Derek, and Allee on my way home. It was such a wonderful day and my heart is full of so much joy in this moment that I can't decide if I'm going to just sit here and smile real big or possibly even cry.

But as I was sitting here thinking, my heart felt rather heavy all of a sudden. I was listening to my itunes and this song came on by Matt Papa: "here am I, send me, I'll follow wherever You lead. I will tell the world that Jesus is the way. won't You send me, Lord, here I am. I offer my dreams, my plans. I will give my life, a living sacrifice. here I am." That's when I decided I was, indeed, going to cry. I have really come to a place where I can say that I am ok with being here. I know that I am exactly where God needs me and He will use me here while He has me here. But there are still days where I feel like my heart is so far away from here. I haven't left the country in 2 years and haven't been on a mission trip in almost 3. Every time I have tried, the door has been shut in my face. I have tried to go so many places and it just never works out. God obviously doesn't want me there. I know that God has called me to go. Where? I don't know. And I'm ok with that. I don't need to know right now. But tonight I find myself so torn. I am trying to focus on knowing that I am where I need to be while still fighting the urge to just jump on a plane and go somewhere. Perhaps it is because so many people who hold so many different parts of my heart have been all over the world this summer: Sara, Kaitlyn, and Mary are all in Africa. Timmy is in Costa Rica and Kati was with him for 10 days. Jessica was in Haiti. Coach and Carrie were both in Russia. I have invested so much time in prayer over all of these people that I almost feel involved.

Even when I began typing this, I wasn't so sure where it was going to end or what my purpose was, other than it's 2 am and it's not like I have anyone to talk to about this. But it has occurred to me that all God is asking of me at this moment is that I be willing. I need to be willing to go when He says "go" and stay when He says "stay". Maybe all this was really just a test of my faith. He wanted to see if I could be content and comfortable here because He knows I am content and comfortable in another country. Maybe this is a test of my dedication. And maybe when I get to Mexico in September all of this waiting will make sense. Finally. There it is again, waiting.

Wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord. Psalm 27:14

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