But as I was sitting here thinking, my heart felt rather heavy all of a sudden. I was listening to my itunes and this song came on by Matt Papa: "here am I, send me, I'll follow wherever You lead. I will tell the world that Jesus is the way. won't You send me, Lord, here I am. I offer my dreams, my plans. I will give my life, a living sacrifice. here I am." That's when I decided I was, indeed, going to cry. I have really come to a place where I can say that I am ok with being here. I know that I am exactly where God needs me and He will use me here while He has me here. But there are still days where I feel like my heart is so far away from here. I haven't left the country in 2 years and haven't been on a mission trip in almost 3. Every time I have tried, the door has been shut in my face. I have tried to go so many places and it just never works out. God obviously doesn't want me there. I know that God has called me to go. Where? I don't know. And I'm ok with that. I don't need to know right now. But tonight I find myself so torn. I am trying to focus on knowing that I am where I need to be while still fighting the urge to just jump on a plane and go somewhere. Perhaps it is because so many people who hold so many different parts of my heart have been all over the world this summer: Sara, Kaitlyn, and Mary are all in Africa. Timmy is in Costa Rica and Kati was with him for 10 days. Jessica was in Haiti. Coach and Carrie were both in Russia. I have invested so much time in prayer over all of these people that I almost feel involved.
Even when I began typing this, I wasn't so sure where it was going to end or what my purpose was, other than it's 2 am and it's not like I have anyone to talk to about this. But it has occurred to me that all God is asking of me at this moment is that I be willing. I need to be willing to go when He says "go" and stay when He says "stay". Maybe all this was really just a test of my faith. He wanted to see if I could be content and comfortable here because He knows I am content and comfortable in another country. Maybe this is a test of my dedication. And maybe when I get to Mexico in September all of this waiting will make sense. Finally. There it is again, waiting.
Wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord. Psalm 27:14