*this is disclaimer: it's real long*
If you know me for any substantial length of time at all you will find out that I cry over everything... and I do mean everything. For every emotion I could possibly feel, I have shed tears. I used to try to fight it, but I have come to realize that crying is what I do when I can't express the amount of emotion I am feeling at the given moment, when my heart is so full that it can't be contained. This weekend has been a roller coaster of all kinds of emotions for me and I just never knew when the tears would come.
It started on Friday night when Timmy and I watched Fireproof. I absolutely love that movie, and no matter how many times I see it, it just gets me. The moment that never gets old *spoiler alert* is when Kirk Cameron's wife comes to the fire station and says she wants what he has, which is Jesus. *sigh* I hope I never get over the gift of someone coming to know Christ, fiction or not.
Somehow, a little bit later, we started talking about when Timmy goes to Liberty. As long as I don't think about it, I don't cry. As soon as I started thinking about it, I cried. Sitting there with him made me realize that it won't be long before he is 7 hours 15 minutes and 414.39 miles away and we can't cuddle on the couch and watch a movie on a lazy Friday night. I am a pretty big fan of seeing him almost every day and it is going to be a big adjustment. Bring on the tears. Now don't worry, I did not break out the ugly cry. I am saving it for the day he leaves don'tcha know, but I finally consented to just stop thinking about it and enjoy this time and we had a (in the words of Mrs. Bennett) most delightful evening and I am so thankful for the time that we do have.
Saturday Mary and I babysat our favorite little boys, Kirkland and Charlie. Mary doesn't like the little ones quite as much as I do, so I took charge of Charlie. When I was feeding him dinner, his huge eyes and big grin with his 2 little teeth just melted my heart. We were laughing because he had his tiny hand on my thigh the whole time and Mary said he was trying to make a move on me (he's smooth Jess. watch out for him), but I loved how precious his little hand is. Later when I was feeding him his bottle and those big eyes were looking at me, my heart just melted again. Even when he was crying for 30 minutes straight, I can't help but feel like I was meant for this. I am called to be a wife and a mom. I just can't wait until it is my own little boy (or girl) that I am holding and rocking to sleep. And enter the tears again as I said a little prayer for the boy/man that Charlie will one day be, for the man I will marry, for our children, for the mothers of our children we will adopt. So many dreams in my heart that I cannot wait to see come to fruition.
Spending time with Coach and Jessica is so good for my heart. They encourage me, make me laugh, inspire me, and show me what a godly relationship looks like. They are such a wonderful blessing in my life and I wish so much that I could see them more than 2-3 times a year. I honestly hope to be just like Jessica one day and am so thankful for her presence in my life. As we hugged Jessica bye and Coach walked us out to the car under the umbrella (such a gentleman! he's so awesome), my eyes welled up with tears. I just felt like I didn't get enough time with them. They have so much to offer and I just want to soak up all of their wisdom. I wonder if I can be that wise one day. I certainly hope so.
On the way back to Mary's house, we began discussing a very difficult decision that she had to make. I know that it was not easy, but I am so proud of her. My spiritual gift is mercy, which also includes compassion and causes me to empathize with other people very easily. When my friends hurt, I hurt. When someone I love goes through something similar to something I went through, I can feel the same hurt all over again. It broke my heart to be so helpless for her. And I cried as I prayed for her on the way home.
I also began to think about how thankful I am that Timmy is back in my life. I told him that sometimes I feel like this is a dream. This is what I dreamed of. When we broke up in high school it was really a leap of faith and act of obedience that I didn't understand much at all. It completely broke my heart, but I would do it all over again to get this. This is 10 times better. This is what God had planned all along. And out of gratitude, the tears came again. His ways are so much higher and so much better!
My heart just can't contain itself. I have never been happier than I am right now, and that is totally and completely from God. I have never felt so sure that I am exactly where I need to be for now. Forever my heart shall sing of how great You are! ...and then probably shed a few tears about it too.