Sometimes I tend to come across like I have it all together and everything is great when it's not. I don't like for people to see me struggle. I want to be perfect. I want others to think that I have it all together. I don't realize I'm doing this, it's just my nature. That being said, this is going to be very transparent and honest about what's been going on in my life over the past few months.
The past few years have been such an incredible time of growing in the Lord. I have come to know Him in new and amazing ways on the most intimate level I've ever experienced. I have learned what it means for Him to be my best friend, been disciplined and pruned, and stood in total awe of Him. I can't function throughout the day if I haven't spent time with Him. I have heard Him speak to me, felt like He was sitting right next to me talking to me. I have never been so happy, content, and fulfilled in Him.
A few months ago something happened. I'm not even sure what. I didn't change anything I was doing in my quiet time. I didn't enter any kind of immense sin that was keeping me from God. I just wasn't hearing. For months. I tried changing my "schedule" with my quiet time. I talked to Him. I tried just being silent and listening. I talked to friends. I talked to Him some more. Nothing. Silence. Not abandonment, just silence. I've never experienced anything like it before. I begged to hear something. I begged for conviction from what I was reading and what sermons I heard. Of course it all had application to my life, but no conviction. No conversation. Just silence. And I'll be honest, it hurt. I cried. I begged. And got nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I know that God never deserts me. I never thought he did. But I do believe that He puts us through periods of silence and testing to grow us. I knew He was there. I felt like He was sitting right next to me, just smiling at me, but not saying anything. He wasn't mad, just not talking. And I just couldn't understand why not.
Every time I get to the point where I just can't take it anymore, God always pulls through. I sat in church at Noonday Sunday morning just wishing today could be different. I needed it to be different. Because I couldn't go another day.
Sunday nights I usually go to Passion City Church. This week was about waiting. (you can watch/ listen by clicking here) Well I certainly know a lot about waiting. Louie said that waiting is not wasting when we are waiting on the Lord. God is always working while we wait. And that we are waiting on God while waiting with God. Such basic concepts that just made sense all of a sudden. It was a great sermon that definitely applies to my life, but something was still missing... then we started singing one of my newest favorite songs, Forever Reign by Hillsong.
You are good, You are good,
when there's nothing good in me.
You are love, You are love,
on display for all to see.
You are light, You are light,
when the darkness closes in.
You are hope, You are hope,
You have covered all my sin.
You are peace, You are peace,
when my fear is crippling.
You are true, You are true,
even in my wandering.
You are joy, You are joy,
You're the reason that I sing.
You are life, You are life,
in You death has lost its sting!
oh, I'm running to Your arms,
I'm running to Your arms,
the riches of Your love will always be enough.
nothing compares to Your embrace
light of the world, forever reign!
You are more, You are more,
than my words could ever say.
You are Lord, You are Lord,
all creation will proclaim.
You are here, You are here,
in Your presence I'm made whole.
You are God, You are God,
of all else I'm letting go!
oh, I'm running to Your arms,
I'm running to Your arms,
the riches of Your love will always be enough.
nothing compares to Your embrace.
light of the world, forever reign!
my heart will sing, no other name, Jesus...
All of a sudden I heard Him. Right in the middle of that song. Nothing loud, nothing earth shattering. He just told me to worship Him. He reminded me that it's not about me or what He's doing for me, but about who He is. He is good, love, light, hope, peace, true, joy, life, more, Lord, here, God. How could I ever not worship Him?
I have never been so ecstatic to hear the voice of God. After months of silence, it was the most precious thing I have ever heard. For now, I will worship. I won't stop. Until He says something else. And even then, I won't stop. I've learned what a treasure it is to be hearing from God, and will never take that for granted again.
"now You're here just like the sun after the rain, now You're here just like the calm after the waves, and I don't mean to sound surprised that You'd near, but yesterday I wasn't sure, praise God, You're here!" -Katy Kinard, Here
I never thought about this when we talked about it...but this reminds me of something. For 400 years between Malachi & Matthew, God spoke nothing. At least nothing that was recorded. And what was the next big thing that happened? Jesus. Maybe His silence was showing His people the importance of listening & preparing them for something HUGE.
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