Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This Is My Declaration Of Dependence

So I started writing this September 29th. In case you didn't know, it's not October 9th. I have had absolutely no time to blog lately, but now it is fall break and I am probably about to go on a blogging frenzy. Even though it's not entirely accurate since I didn't finish when I started, I'm just gonna leave what I already had of this here post.

Here's what's up: I really shouldn't be typing this. I have a big math test tomorrow. But I also have a full heart that needs an outlet. So I turn to you, my faithful bloggy friends. And allow you to see what the past few weeks have been like for me, here in Dahlonega.

The education program may be the death of me. I am seriously reconsidering this whole taking 22 hours thing. I mean I seriously though I could handle this? It's insane. I haven't slept more than 5 hours on a week night in 2 weeks. I don't have time. There is so much to do and I spend so much of my time sitting in class getting more work assigned.

Lately I have been second guessing education completely. Do I really need this degree? I know that I want to do ministry. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching with all of my heart, but I don't want to teach math and phonics and base it all on the Georgia Performance Standards. I want to teach about love and forgiveness and grace and mercy and faith. I want to teach them about Adam, Eve, Noah, Moses, David, Paul, Esther, Mary, and Ruth. I want to teach them about how Jesus died for them and how much he loves them. I want to show them the joy and the freedom that He brings! I want to go to seminary now and learn about Greek and Hebrew and theology. Instead I am sitting here making a reading/phonics take home bag for my teaching of reading class. I started to wonder if North Ga is really where I need to be or if I should just drop this education program and head to Southeastern.

God quickly showed me that this is not His plan for me right now, no matter how much I wish it were. I really love Dahlonega a lot and I don't want to leave, but I also don't want to be here forever. Or for more than 4 years. Which is why I took 22 hours. What I have now learned is that there really is no use in trying to kill myself. I feel so dumb because my parents have said this over and over, and I have heard them loud and clear, but I didn't care. Because I am stubborn. Unfortunately, I have to learn things on my own, the hard way, by experience. And I always end up overwhelmed and/or hurt, but at least I learn.

So all of this can be summed up in saying that school is hard and life is absolutely insane, but God is SO good, friends! Every single day He shows me something that reminds me that He is here and He is in control. It comes in the smallest things: the beautiful sunrise on the way to school every morning, my precious Bible study girls, or lots of laughs with a friend. Through it all He is making me more and more dependent on Him. I have really gotten to the point where I sometimes feel like I can't make it through the day without Him, and I love that.

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