Healing Is In Your Hands

*I apologize for the incredible length that has been most of my blogs lately. It will not become a trend, I promise*

I had to go back to the orthopedic on Wednesday. I got done with placement at 10:30 and didn't have to be at my appointment until 2:15, so I took my lunch and homework and Bible and went to Starbucks. I hadn't done our homework from Bible study the week before, so I started working on it. The "theme" of this week was "God can do what He says He can do". But what exactly can God do? I started reading about all of the miracles that Jesus performed during His time on the earth. Michelle wrote in our homework, "don't let familiarity with these cheat you out of the awesomeness of them." I am so guilty of this. So I really started to look a them, and was amazed. God can do those things for me, too? I believe that, but sometimes it's so hard to trust that. This really challenged me: "what would you believe Jesus could do in your life if all you had was a New Testament and you didn't have the teachings of man?" Wow.

The Lord did so many amazing things- seriously, miracles- earlier this year with this situation, and I was really trying to believe Him to do more. I read this verse, and began to wonder what this could mean for me in this moment. "Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles, You display Your power among the peoples." {Psalm 77:13-14} The Message version says, "You're the God who makes things happen; you showed everyone what You can do." Linds pointed out that it uses the past tense, meaning He has already done it and will do it again.

Text conversation with Linds went like this.

Me: Confession. I'm scared to believe that God is going to do something like a miracle (that's what my version says) because I'm afraid of being disappointed. It's easier to believe I'm just going to have surgery.

Linds: Easy to say this, but I'd rather believe and have Him be proud of a daughter who trusts Him completely and believe in His power... and maybe be disappointed... than be one who settles for believing that her God is mediocre and may not perform a miracle but will bring her through... Sorry for the calling out, but you are not one who settles for less than what our God is.

She's right. When did I go from a girl who believed God to do miraculous things to a girl who settles for mediocrity? I am so thankful for friends who call me out. In the words of Beth Moore, "If we are going to make an error in the area of miracles, let it be on the side of belief. Let's never make God smaller but always trust Him for more than we can imagine. Either God will work a miracle that is external and He will get the glory, or He will work a miracle internally in us, and then we can praise Him and give Him the glory."

So I headed to the doctor ready for God to blow me away again. When my favorite PA Amanda didn't come in and the actual doctor, who I had never even met before, did, I knew it wasn't going to be good news. Bad news: I have a cyst developing on my meniscus and a hole in the top of my tibia where cells have died. There's no way to really tell when the cells started dying, if it's a result of the impact and the break, or if it has stopped or will just keep getting worse. Makes sense why it hurts all the time, I guess. Worse news: They're not entirely sure what to do about it. There are a lot of options (not all of which are FDA approved in the US yet), but not all are permanent fixes. She's only seen this 2 other times, never on anyone as young as me, and never on the tibia, which is a very difficult place for it to be. Because I can't do anything by the books and have to be different, a very frustrating characteristic of my injuries. For now, I will be fitted for a brace that takes the pressure off of my tibia in hopes of it beginning to repair itself. If it's still hurting in a few months, around Christmas time (yes, Christmas), we will re-evaluate.

I'm a fan of being totally honest here, even when it's hard to do. I was mad. I held in the tears until she said "Christmas." Christmas?!?! No way. I'm not doing it. I can't do it. I can't do this again. Christmas?! That's almost a year after all this began. It's been 8 months. I'm tired of this. I had a total breakdown that much resembled the one in the CVS parking lot with Linds the day of the leg breakage. Only this time Cosbie had to be the one to deal with it. Bless his heart, he is a good man. I was mad at God. I was mad that He didn't make it better and make it stop hurting. I was mad that Cosbie was on the other side of the country when I needed him. I was mad that I have to wear another brace. No one looks cute in a brace. And it takes a toll on a girl's self esteem, if I'm being totally honest.

I wouldn't talk about it. I either got defensive or turned into a brat or cried every time someone asked me about it. Which is stupid, I know. I couldn't deal with it because I always got so mad. God has a way of getting me by myself to the point where I have no other option besides spending time with Him, and that is where I am the most honest. So we hashed it out last night. And it hurt. And it was is hard. Because I am so frustrated and I doubt my ability to hear what He is saying to me. But last night I heard Him say that just because He isn't doing this on my time doesn't mean He's not going to. Does that make it any easier? No way. But it's not in my control. Healing is in His hands.