The last 2 weeks have been full of a lot of ups and downs. On the down days, I didn't have anything nice to say and I didn't want to talk about it. And on the up days I didn't want to spend my time writing. But now I am sitting next to Cosbie for round 2 of chemo and have plenty of time to update.
I struggle with knowing how transparent to be here, which makes writing anything difficult. Some days I hate this. I hate every single second of it. I get so mad and want to scream... which mostly results in a lot of crying. I wish that I could say that I am getting better at this, but I'm learning. I may be slow, but I'm learning. Basically, when he has a good day, I am good. When he has a bad day, I am not so much. There have been some really rough days. Thankfully, he hasn't gotten sick at all. He hasn't lost any of his hair. One of his veins was pretty messed up and it took a looooong time to go down and hurt pretty bad. He's also had a lot of aches in his bones. So the first week after chemo was pretty rough. But the Saturday after chemo was great. We went out to dinner and ran errands and had fun together. We got to be normal for a few hours. Little tastes of normal will be the only thing that will get us through this. This past week he has been great. He has been tired, but he has been so great. He has been working a good bit which he loves of course. Wednesday was his birthday. None of us expected to be dealing with cancer on his birthday, but we had a good night. I had to work all day but I met him and his family for dinner and had cake and presents back at the house. Friday night we went to the Thrashers game. Some friends of theirs got us awesome seats on the 6th row. That was really our first real date since all of this started, which was nice.
Wednesday Cosbie turned 23. Today I turn 22. Neither one of us planned to have cancer as part of our birthdays. Cosbie didn't plan to be in the middle of going through chemo and I didn't plan on sitting next to my fiance while he goes through chemo on my birthday either. It's not fun. I could say it's fine but sometimes it's just not. It's not fun. I want normal birthdays and a normal day and a normal life. I know that today and the next few months are going to suck, but today Lindsey reminded me that this might suck, but we will be married in 2 months. We will have a cancer free Christmas and 2 cancer free birthdays next year. We will have a cancer free 2012. So that's what will keep me going for a while. The promise of a cancer free future.