No Weeping, No Hurt Or Pain

On Sunday, Matthew taught Sunday school because Derek wasn't there and he talked about heaven. He made a very good point when he said that so many times heaven is only talked about in 2 ways in the church: as the place your loved ones are when they die and as a place you want to go because you don't want to go to hell. For the longest time I was rather apathetic about heaven. I mean I know I'm going there and I'm not too concerned about the questions many people have about it. I have never really taken a look at what heaven will be like and have always just accepted the fact that it will be perfection, whatever that looks like.

In the past few months I have become much more curious about heaven and what it will be like. This is most likely the effect of Derek's obsession with heaven that comes out through most of his Sunday school lessons and also his obsession with the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn, which he also uses a lot in his lessons. Matthew chose to focus mostly on the new earth that will be created. I didn't really understand the whole "new earth" thing until we did a study on it in Bible study my senior year, so for those of you who also don't know, the present heaven is the heaven that people are in now and the new earth is what will be after the second coming. Revelation 21:3 says "now the dwelling of God is with men." Many people have compared the new earth to the Garden of Eden, but in the Garden God walked with Adam and Eve, but it never says He dwelled with them. I mean it's cool enough that they walked with God, but one day we will get to have Him live with us, all around us. How cool is that?!

There are many references to similarities of the Garden of Eden and the new earth (which I did not write down so I can't really cite them, sorry), but there is never any mention of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Evil won't even be a possibility on the new earth. There will be no temptation, spiritual warfare, sickness, disorder, sadness, or pain. No affliction whatsoever. Satan is not allowed to enter! I can hardly wrap my mind around a single day without any kind of adversity from Satan, much less eternity. (well, I can't really comprehend eternity either, but you get the point.) That right there is enough to say "send me now!" How wonderful that will be!

In Revelation 21:14-21 there is a list of all the substances that the 12 foundations of the new Jerusalem will be build on. Jasper, sapphire, chalcedony, emerald, sardonyx, carnelian, chrysolite, beryl, topaz, chrysoprase, jacinth, and amethyst. At first glance, it honestly just feels like a long list of words that I can hardly say, but these are some of the strongest substances, next to the diamond. This new Jerusalem is permanent. These substances that it is built on show that it is not going anywhere. They stand firm. They are solid. The security that we all long for is found.

Revelation 21:22-27 mentions that there will be no temple in heaven. To us, that's no big deal. We don't go to a temple to worship. It has no place in our everyday life. But one of the most important things to do with a passage of scripture is to look at it's historical context. For the Jewish people, the only person who could enter the temple was the priest and he could only enter once a year. He had to go through extensive cleansing processes and if he did one things wrong he would die upon entering. They had to tie a string to his foot so that they could pull him out if he was struck dead. Take a moment to put yourself in his shoes. I feel like no matter how precise I was about the cleansing rituals I would be terrified to walk in there. What if I missed a small detail? What if I accidentally skipped one? I mean one mistake and you're dead. Ok, that's not the point of this, but just a thought. Anyway, the point is that we won't need a temple. There will be no central location of God, He will be everywhere!

And now, the grand finale (of this post at least), comes in Revelation 22:4. "They will see His face." Until this point, it has been impossible to see God's face without dying. (Death seems to be a common theme here. God's a pretty powerful guy. Don't mess with Him. He means business.) But there we will get to see His face! Me and Jesus, face to face, just like I'm sitting down with an old friend. Our wildest imaginations can't even comprehend how beautiful He is. What has always been impossible becomes possible. There are no limitations.

This whole talk just really sparked my interest in heaven even more. I'm going to start reading Randy Alcorn's book. I've heard it's not an easy read at all, and will probably take me forever to get through, but what I have read is awesome and I really recommend it. I am in no way saying that I want to die or anything, but I mean this place sure does sound pretty awesome, and that's only he beginning. It's incredible to think about the incredible plans that God has for us even after death and for all of eternity. I can't wait to see what they are; it's so exciting. And if that doesn't get you just a little excited, well, you might need to check your pulse.

You Hold Me Now- Hillsong

On the day when I see

All that You have for me

When I see You face to face

There surrounded by Your grace

All my fears swept away

In the light of Your embrace

When Your love is all I need

And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold

In Your presence healed and whole

Let these songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain

No suffering, You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness, no sickening

No hiding, You hold me now

You hold me now

In this life I will stand

Through my joy and my pain

Knowing there's a greater day

There's a hope that never fails

When Your name is lifted high

And forever praises rise

For the glory of Your name

I'm believing for the day

When the wars and violence cease

All creation lives in peace

Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

For eternity

All my heart will give

All the glory to Your name

Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime. -Martin Luther

Amicalola Adventure

Saturday I went with the Tottens on a little adventure to Amicalola Falls. It was an absolutely beautiful day and it was fun to have them up there in my neck of the woods, literally. None of us really had a desire to walk up 425 steps, so we drove to the top of the falls, had a picnic, laid under the tree and talked for a long time, and Kati, Tammy, Marcus and I decided to walk back down. Turns out those steps are see through and I am not so much a fan of that. My legs were shaking so bad and I was clutching that rail for dear life. What we saw on the way down was totally worth it though. One of those moment where you just stop and stand in awe of God. It was such a wonderful day. The only way it could have been better is if Timmy had been with me.

at the top

picnic time!

taking a break on the way down

told you it was worth it. beautiful.

Aqui Estoy Yo

Today has been one of the best days I have ever had. Ever. I spent wonderful time with my precious cousins (it hardly feels like babysitting or like I should be getting paid for it), laughing and playing. Little boys are so funny and so much fun to play with. Went shopping with my mom and enjoyed time with her so much. Had a not so nice workout with Jillian Michaels, but one day I will appreciate it. Then took my Bible and went to the park by my house and just spent time with God for almost 2 hours. It was the most refreshing thing, being out there alone, just kicking it with God. Brings a smile to my face just to think about it again. Headed to Starbucks with the newest Karen Kingsbury book when it got dark and just sat there and read and drank coffee. Then it was off to the Totten household and I got to spend the rest of the night with some of my all time favorite people (still missing one very important person though. 3 days!!!!). And to top it all off, had a little of a conference call with Kelly, Derek, and Allee on my way home. It was such a wonderful day and my heart is full of so much joy in this moment that I can't decide if I'm going to just sit here and smile real big or possibly even cry.

But as I was sitting here thinking, my heart felt rather heavy all of a sudden. I was listening to my itunes and this song came on by Matt Papa: "here am I, send me, I'll follow wherever You lead. I will tell the world that Jesus is the way. won't You send me, Lord, here I am. I offer my dreams, my plans. I will give my life, a living sacrifice. here I am." That's when I decided I was, indeed, going to cry. I have really come to a place where I can say that I am ok with being here. I know that I am exactly where God needs me and He will use me here while He has me here. But there are still days where I feel like my heart is so far away from here. I haven't left the country in 2 years and haven't been on a mission trip in almost 3. Every time I have tried, the door has been shut in my face. I have tried to go so many places and it just never works out. God obviously doesn't want me there. I know that God has called me to go. Where? I don't know. And I'm ok with that. I don't need to know right now. But tonight I find myself so torn. I am trying to focus on knowing that I am where I need to be while still fighting the urge to just jump on a plane and go somewhere. Perhaps it is because so many people who hold so many different parts of my heart have been all over the world this summer: Sara, Kaitlyn, and Mary are all in Africa. Timmy is in Costa Rica and Kati was with him for 10 days. Jessica was in Haiti. Coach and Carrie were both in Russia. I have invested so much time in prayer over all of these people that I almost feel involved.

Even when I began typing this, I wasn't so sure where it was going to end or what my purpose was, other than it's 2 am and it's not like I have anyone to talk to about this. But it has occurred to me that all God is asking of me at this moment is that I be willing. I need to be willing to go when He says "go" and stay when He says "stay". Maybe all this was really just a test of my faith. He wanted to see if I could be content and comfortable here because He knows I am content and comfortable in another country. Maybe this is a test of my dedication. And maybe when I get to Mexico in September all of this waiting will make sense. Finally. There it is again, waiting.

Wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord. Psalm 27:14

The Year In (Mostly) Pictures

In a few days, I will no longer be a resident of Owen Hall. It has been such a wonderful yet difficult year. As I look at the first picture of move in day, I almost feel like I'm looking at a different person. Yes, I mostly look the same, but only I can really know and remember what was going on inside my heart, and it's not something I really enjoy remembering. Though I finally had some friends by then, I still didn't feel like I belonged anywhere, not even in Alpha Gam really. I loved my friends and my sisters, but I always felt out of place. I was confused and didn't even know who I was. I was literally clinging to God to get through every single day. I cried more than I laughed. My heart was hurting, and I couldn't figure out why. I don't know exactly when things started to change, but I'm happy to say I am not that girl anymore. I have learned to define myself totally and completely in Christ, not in friends or a boyfriend. I have found joy in every circumstance. I feel like I hardly ever stop smiling, and most of the tears I shed are because something is sweet, not out of heartbreak and despair. I have some of the greatest friends a girl could possibly ask for. I don't know how I lived so long without them in my life. I have never felt the Lord working in my life so much before and I love it. I absolutely love spending time with Him; my whole day feels off if I don't and I am restless until I do. I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, and I can't wait to see what this upcoming year holds.

move in day

Athens to see baby Max

our favorite Sav face

noodle square

reading the last book about the Baxters

PIKE Halloween party

cheers for charity

fall sisterhood retreat

tacky family Christmas dinner

dying our hair (mostly mine) at New Year's Conference

bid day!

she didn't know it yet, but I was going to die if she wasn't my little

big/little reveal... round 1

then we added little #2, sara, to the family

spirit night

my 20th birthday in Destin for spring break

spring break

Feast of Roses

lapboard reveal...

I haven't slept in almost 40 hours at this point

spring formal

sisterhood retreat

preacher's rock

Do Not Worry About Tomorrow

Lately I've really been struggling with worrying and anxiety. About anything and everything, but mostly the future. I start worrying about school, trying to move out of one place and into another, Timmy while he's in Costa Rica and about him going so far away to school, how I'm going to handle teaching and classes. You name it, I've probably worried about it. After a while, it really started to weigh me down. I found some verses that I have been memorizing and I also went back through my good ole Jesus Calling book and found all the parts I had underlined about worry and anxiety and the verses that go with that part. I combined all the parts to be like one big letter of what God's word has to say to me about worrying. These verses and this compilation from the book have really helped over the past few days.

Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:8

Cast all your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2 (I like how it says "the Lord" twice. like in case you didn't get it the first time, here it is again. and He is the only source of strength. good stuff)

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30 (I just skimmed over this at first because I've heard it so many times, but it's a good one)

So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34 Amen to that!

I left my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2

An anxious heart weighs a man down. Proverbs 12:25

Waiting on Me means directing all your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself (Lamentations 3:24-26). I am taking care of you. Trust Me at all times. Trust Me in all your circumstances. Trust Me with all your heart. When you are weary and everything seems to be going wrong, you can still utter these four words: “I trust You, Jesus.” By doing so, you release matters into My control, and you fall back into the security of My everlasting arms (Proverbs 3:5-6, Deuteronomy 33:27). Trusting Me is a moment-by-moment choice. Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Hear me saying, “Peace, be still” to your restless heart. No matter what happens, I will never leave you or forsake you. Though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the sea, you need not fear (Deuteronomy 31:6, Psalm 46:2)! Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. When you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for Me. Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). Welcome challenging times as opportunities to trust Me You have Me beside you and My Spirit within you, so no set of circumstances is too much for you to handle. When the path before you is dotted with difficulties, beware of measuring your strength against those challenges. That calculation is certain to riddle you with anxiety. Regardless of today’s problems, I can keep you in perfect peace if you stay close to Me (James 1:2, Philippians 4:13, Isaiah 26:3). Rest in Me, My child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking Me to take charge of the details of this day (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Thank Me for the very things that are troubling you (Psalm 116:17). Hold my hand and trust. Fearful, anxious thoughts melt away in the light of My presence (Isaiah 41:10, Psalm 62:5-6). Don’t worry about what is on the road up ahead. I want you to find your security in knowing Me, the One who died to set you free (John 8:32). Whenever you start to feel anxious, remind yourself that your security rests in Me alone, and I am totally trustworthy (Psalm 56:3-4). Stop worrying long enough to hear My voice. I speak softly to you, in the depths of your being (Deuteronomy 30:20). Do not worry about tomorrow! My grace is sufficient for you, but it’s sufficiency is for only one day at a time. Throw off this oppressive burden with one quick thrust of trust. As you affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly (Matthew 6:34, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Psalm 62:8). Bring me all your feelings, even the ones you wish you didn’t have. Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel. Bring your anxieties out into the light of My presence, where we can deal with them together. Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you (Ephesians 6:16, 1 John 1:5-7, Isaiah 12:2).

While I'm Waiting

North Point Community Church is doing a series called 'The Waiting Room' right now and I've been watching it online. It's really great so far. I think that waiting is something everyone can relate to. It seems like everyone is always waiting for something. For their prince charming to come and sweep them off their feet. For that coveted diamond ring and the promise of forever. For the knowledge that forever is even part of the plan. For a job to pay the bills. For the economy to turn around so they can support their families. For God to tell them where to go. For some direction in life. If it's not one thing, it's another. We're always waiting.

There always comes a point where we wonder if God has forgotten us. We ask "how much longer will this last?" and "are you even paying attention to me?", but how often do we ask "what do you want me to learn here?" When we focus on the first two questions, we unintentionally build up anger and resentment toward God. We aren't interested in what to do while waiting, we just want out. We don't see the purpose in waiting.

We have a choice when it comes to waiting. We can look at our circumstances and say that God has forgotten us, or we can say that He is preparing us. We have the choice and the ability to turn frustration into perseverance and worry and anxiety into endurance. God has never forgotten His people, and He's not going to start with me. Trying to take matters into my own hands will only make things worse. We would never assume we know more than a doctor and start operating on ourselves. They are educated and we are not. That's where scars come from. But we do the same thing with God all the time. Waiting isn't the hardest part, the aftermath of not waiting on God is.

God hasn't forgotten. He is preparing you. He is preparing me. How will you look at your circumstances? What will your life look like if you believe and act like God is preparing you?

a friend of mine posted this on her blog and I just love it. thanks Jennifer!

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.

I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, "Child you must wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?"

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future, and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me "wait?"

I'm needing a 'yes', a go ahead sign,

Or even a 'no', to which I can resign.

And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry

"I'm weary of asking, I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, "You must wait,"

So I slumped in my chair; defeated and taut

And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine

And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,

Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run. "

All you see I could give,

And pleased you would be.

You would have what you want,

but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,

When darkness and silence was all you could see.

"You would never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart. "

"The glow of My comfort late in the night;

The faith that I give when you walk without sight;

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last. "

And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee'

Yes, your dreams for that loved one overnight could come true,

But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you.

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all...is still...wait.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

Favorite things as of late:

1- being in my apartment with Savannah

2- my summer songs CD and Sav's CD entitled "Cait Moss you're so boss"

3- the interesting foods Sav and I always end up eating

4- coffee on the couch

5- Saturday mornings on Monday afternoons

6- watching Millionaire Matchmaker, NYC Prep, and Miami Social for... well, too many hours.

7- late night talks with Kristin, just like old times. accompanied by a text from Sav (who was supposed to be sleeping because she has a 7:30 am class) at 2:30 asking me to turn the air on, and then she joined us around 3 am. all went to bed at 4. perfect night.

8- talking to my boyfriend on facebook chat (Thank You Jesus for facebook chat!) and the fact that I get to see him in one week!

9- the new journal I'm in the process of making. it might be my favorite one I've made.

10- triathlons. especially with the Totten girls. so much fun. and Marcus is awesome.

11- reliving camp in my car complete with a little too much enthusiasm every time Undignified comes on and the strange looks I get from the people in the other cars.

12- facebook chatting with Sav from our rooms. with our doors open. as in we could talk to each other if we wanted, but we choose facebook.

13- Karen Kingsbury's new book, Take Two.

14- sitting around the drill field with my Bible and having such great time with God that I lose all track of time.

15- having a best friend who pulls the gray hairs out of my head. yep, that really happened earlier today. I'm officially old.