Twas The Night Before Christmas

I'm not sure when our Christmas Eve traditions actually started, but we have done the same things as long as I can remember. We always start with Christmas Eve service at Noonday. We always eat a spaghetti dinner at my aunt and uncle's house, sing Happy Birthday to Jesus, and help the boys put out reindeer dust and carrots for the reindeer. And as we leave my dad picks up every carrot from the yard and takes a big bite out of it. #dedicateduncle

This Christmas Eve was wonderful, but required a little pep talk to myself. Change is hard. And not being selfish is hard when I want something so badly. In my perfect world, I wanted to be everywhere and see everyone and please both families... all at the same time. I wanted Cosbie to be with my family and didn't want to miss dinner with the boys but I wanted to be at church with him and with his family too. Truth is there just weren't enough hours in the day. Knowing that I would get to see my family the next day, it only made sense to spend the night with his family. I knew that was the most reasonable choice, but it was hard. Really hard. I loved spending every second of the day with Cosbie, but I missed my family.

It was a great but long day. Started with breakfast at The Flying Biscuit, aka my new favorite breakfast place, with part of Cosbie's family. From there we headed toward Briarlake because Cosbie had a meeting before sound check. Service at Briarlake, then to the Hollenbecks' for dinner and Christmas with Granny and Mike. They are such a generous family and I was so surprised at how they spoiled me: a new jewelry box, jewelry, scarf, sweater, personalized notecards. Even though mine and Cosbie's relationship has been very quick, being there feels right and comfortable. But the night wasn't over. Cosbie had to work a 11:00 service... that lasted until 12:40, making for a very late night.

Exhaustion on top of emotions running high anyway made for a bit of an emotional night. I was sad that I had missed my family, sad that I only had one more day with Cosbie, worried about the weather ruining our plans (which it did), and a little sentimental that this would be my last Christmas waking up a the house with my parents. It's just a lot of change. And change is hard. But good. And exciting. And even though there were a few tears, there were also tears of happiness, because this was the best Christmas Eve I've ever had.

A Suitable Helper

Even though I've read every book there is about marriage and prayed for the man I would marry for so long, I'm seeing that I am far from being the perfect wife. I have a lot of work left to do, but am so thankful for a man who is so patient with me.

One of my friends who got married last fall sent me some verses that have helped her. I'm trying to memorize them and be able to quickly recall them when I need them the most. This week for me was all about learning to be a suitable helper. (Genesis 2:18) I didn't really know what that meant. How do I be Cosbie's suitable helper? There are moments when I remind myself of this and still can't stop being a brat (just being honest, even if I wish it wasn't true). I don't always know what to do, but I am learning what not to do. A suitable helper puts her man first, always. She compromises. She doesn't get upset when things don't go her way. She willingly helps him with whatever he needs. She can take care of herself and their house when he is gone. Some days, I can do that. And some days I struggle. Some days I just want to be heard and I am selfish. Some days I feel myself reverting back to the independent girl I had to be for so many years. But when I remind myself of who I am supposed to be and remember what the Bible says about a quarrelsome wife (Proverbs 25:24 & 27:15), I know I don't want to be her and I know I never want to be a burden like that to Cosbie. I want to let him lead me (Ephesians 5:22-23) and I want to follow his lead (Ruth 1:16-17). I want to put him first (Philippians 2:1-5). I want to be as close to perfect as I can be for him. 

Marriage isn't always going to be easy. Some days will require more work than others. Some situations will test us more than others. I'm so thankful that we both live for more than each other. Thankful that we serve a God who won't leave us in the dark. Thankful for His Word that provides guidance and brings conviction. We're going to have to work at this, but there is no one else in the world that I would fight harder for. No one else that I want to stand beside. The best part is that even if we don't get it completely right at first, we have the rest of our lives to work at it. 

We Got A King, They Got A Son

Being engaged has given me a whole new perspective of Mary and Joseph. A few days ago we were riding in the car, listening to a Dave Barnes (can you tell I really love him) song called Mary and Joseph. For just a minute I put myself in their shoes. What would I do if I had to tell Cosbie that I was pregnant, when we both know that is impossible? How would he react? What would I do? Not only is the whole thing crazy in and of itself, but no one had heard from God for hundreds of years. The Old Testament, silence, and then BAM, Jesus. So many emotions must have gone through Mary and Joseph. Fear- they were about to be subject to so much criticism. Excitement- the whole world has been waiting to hear from God for so long, and now He has spoken. And not softly, He has sent the Messiah that the world has been waiting on. Hope. Life. Salvation. Freedom. All in the form of a baby. A baby that most people didn't even think twice about. A baby who was going to save the world. Cradled in Mary's arms. I wonder what it felt like to hold the Savior you have been praying for. Mary's whole life she had been told that a Messiah was coming, that He would be born of a virgin, and crucified. Of course there is no way to know exactly what Mary was thinking, but my guess is that she never in a million years would have thought that she would even live to see His coming, much less be the one to give birth to Him. How humbling to be the one God chose. How terrifying to know that His life would end in so much pain, and to know that His death would be the hope of the world. That small baby changed the world. Changed my world. And gave my life meaning.

"long lay the world in sin and error pining, til He appeared and the soul felt its worth"

God Gave Me You

 I've been a walking heartache

I've made a mess of me

The person that I've been lately

Ain't who I wanna be

 But you stay here right beside me

Watch as the storm goes through 

And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

 For when I think I've lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

 There's more here than what we're seeing

A divine conspiracy

That you, an angel lovely

Could somehow fall for me

You'll always be love's great martyr

And I'll be the flattered fool

And I need you

On my own I'm only

Half of what I could be

I can't do without you

 We are stitched together

And what love has tethered

I pray we never undo

 God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

For when I think I've lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

-God Gave Me You, Dave Barnes

Home Sweet Home

I have officially become the worst blogger. (however, my sweet friend Savannah has come back to the blogging work! click here) I don't know what's gotten into me, but I just can't seem to get myself on here and write. Then I feel like I have so much to write about that it's overwhelming and I just don't do it. So I will do my best to recap almost a whole month of home.

{one}

Cosbie has been home since December 1st and I am getting way too spoiled by dinner dates, Starbucks, tons of time with him, and watching Dexter (don't judge) and drinking hot chocolate every night. And somehow 25 days doesn't seem long enough. It went by way too fast. For months I've refused to look at the calendar for January because it means hardly seeing him at all, but now January is here and is reality and I'm not sure that I'm ready for tour season after all.

{two}

We started registering at Macy's and Bed, Bath, & Beyond. It was a little overwhelming at first, but so much fun. For some reason I can't seem to make any sort of decision about dishes. Of all things- dishes. I didn't think I would ever care about dishes this much. Though I did get pretty tired of it, and I'm sure we will end up adding some more things here and there, it was fun to pick out things for our future house/ apartment. 

{three}

We started out Christmas break with a bang in the form of the most wonderful weekend. We started out with our engagement pictures with Joy. Neither one of us really love getting our picture taken so much, so we were not exactly thrilled about it if I'm being honest, but we had so much fun! I've been following Joy's photography for so long now that I felt almost famous seeing our pictures on her blog. Here's a little taste (more to come):

after pictures we met up with Brittany, Patrick, Tim, Rachel, Crimson, and Matt for a quadruple date, if you will. Dave Barnes was playing at Center Stage in Atlanta with Drew and Ellie Holcomb, who I now love. After the concert we went to Cafe Intermezzo (my favorite and mine and Cosbie's first date spot). Not only am I thankful to be spending the rest of my life with someone so wonderful, I am also thankful for the sweet friends he has brought into my life. It is so wonderful to have other couples to hang out with. They are such a blessing.

Saturday night my sweet future in-laws took us to see The Nutcracker at the Fox. I was beyond excited because I had not been to the Fox for a show since I was in the 6th grade, and I had never seen The Nutcracker before. We had so much fun and the show was wonderful! 

{four}

At the end of every semester, our Bible study goes to Michelle Pope Funk's house for dinner. When you have a name like that, you use them all. We love going over there and her 3 boys always entertain us. MPF and those girls are most definitely what I will miss most about college. They have been my rock over the past 3 years. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful group of girls to grow in Christ with and an amazing Godly woman to lead us.

{five}

Last weekend my sweet friend Carrie Ross became Carrie Lee. I went to South Carolina Friday morning for the bridesmaids luncheon, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and just to help get things ready. Driving up there I was overwhelmed with how faithful the Lord has been in mine and Carrie's lives. Over the past 8 years, we have endured our fair share of broken hearts, tears, and prayers over things of the past and for the men we would marry. Who would have thought that we would be getting married so close to each other? I'm so thankful for friends like that. Her wedding was absolutely beautiful and I could not be more excited for her and Micah as they begin their life together in Boston. 

{six}

2 months ago Cosbie asked me to be his wife. It feels like a lifetime ago and just yesterday at the same time. Some days I look at him and am completely overwhelmed by the fact that I get to marry him in 5 months. I can't wait to spend every day of my life with him. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us, for better or for worse. sometimes I still can't believe that, after so many years of praying, he is finally here. Forever. 5 months until I walk down the aisle and become Mrs. Caitlin Hollenbeck.

Photographical Treasures

some photos of fun from my last few weeks of the semester.

best cupcake EVER. thank you, Gabriel's. 

the shower curtain that I love but Cosbie won't let me register for to go in our bathroom. guest bathroom, maybe?

my uncle couldn't remember how old my cousin was. so he bought the wrong candles. then broke the 2.

 we got 3 cakes, 6 cupcakes, brownies, and a loaf of pumpkin bread from Gabriel's for free after our consultation with them a few weeks back. this was all that was left after a few days. so good! and such nice people!

 Santa Daisy, hurry down the chimney tonight...

 reason #45 I love reading the Bible in Spanish: they love exclamation marks as much as I do.

 I love coming home to this at night.

 sweet baby Philip as baby Jesus. can't wait to see those boys soon!

 turns out I have a knack for locking my keys in my car... and an awesome Daddy

 cheesy church sign

 Preacher's Rock

 my future student teaching classroom! can't wait for January!

 Ashley walked into my house wearing this festive accessory. gotta love it.

the semester is over, I'm home for a month, and so is Cosbie! we have 25 whole days together! this has never happened in the history of us knowing each other. excited in an understatement :)

But Now You're Here

Sometimes I tend to come across like I have it all together and everything is great when it's not. I don't like for people to see me struggle. I want to be perfect. I want others to think that I have it all together. I don't realize I'm doing this, it's just my nature. That being said, this is going to be very transparent and honest about what's been going on in my life over the past few months. 

The past few years have been such an incredible time of growing in the Lord. I have come to know Him in new and amazing ways on the most intimate level I've ever experienced. I have learned what it means for Him to be my best friend, been disciplined and pruned, and stood in total awe of Him. I can't function throughout the day if I haven't spent time with Him. I have heard Him speak to me, felt like He was sitting right next to me talking to me. I have never been so happy, content, and fulfilled in Him.

A few months ago something happened. I'm not even sure what. I didn't change anything I was doing in my quiet time. I didn't enter any kind of immense sin that was keeping me from God. I just wasn't hearing. For months. I tried changing my "schedule" with my quiet time. I talked to Him. I tried just being silent and listening. I talked to friends. I talked to Him some more. Nothing. Silence. Not abandonment, just silence. I've never experienced anything like it before. I begged to hear something. I begged for conviction from what I was reading and what sermons I heard. Of course it all had application to my life, but no conviction. No conversation. Just silence. And I'll be honest, it hurt. I cried. I begged. And got nothing.

Don't get me wrong, I know that God never deserts me. I never thought he did. But I do believe that He puts us through periods of silence and testing to grow us. I knew He was there. I felt like He was sitting right next to me, just smiling at me, but not saying anything. He wasn't mad, just not talking. And I just couldn't understand why not. 

Every time I get to the point where I just can't take it anymore, God always pulls through. I sat in church at Noonday Sunday morning just wishing today could be different. I needed it to be different. Because I couldn't go another day.

Sunday nights I usually go to Passion City Church. This week was about waiting. (you can watch/ listen by clicking here) Well I certainly know a lot about waiting. Louie said that waiting is not wasting when we are waiting on the Lord. God is always working while we wait. And that we are waiting on God while waiting with God. Such basic concepts that just made sense all of a sudden. It was a great sermon that definitely applies to my life, but something was still missing... then we started singing one of my newest favorite songs, Forever Reign by Hillsong. 

You are good, You are good,

when there's nothing good in me.

You are love, You are love,

on display for all to see.

You are light, You are light,

when the darkness closes in.

You are hope, You are hope,

You have covered all my sin.

You are peace, You are peace,

when my fear is crippling.

You are true, You are true,

even in my wandering.

You are joy, You are joy,

You're the reason that I sing.

You are life, You are life,

in You death has lost its sting!

oh, I'm running to Your arms,

I'm running to Your arms,

the riches of Your love will always be enough.

nothing compares to Your embrace

light of the world, forever reign!

You are more, You are more,

than my words could ever say.

You are Lord, You are Lord,

all creation will proclaim.

You are here, You are here, 

in Your presence I'm made whole.

You are God, You are God,

of all else I'm letting go!

oh, I'm running to Your arms,

I'm running to Your arms,

the riches of Your love will always be enough.

nothing compares to Your embrace.

light of the world, forever reign!

my heart will sing, no other name, Jesus...

All of a sudden I heard Him. Right in the middle of that song. Nothing loud, nothing earth shattering. He just told me to worship Him. He reminded me that it's not about me or what He's doing for me, but about who He is. He is good, love, light, hope, peace, true, joy, life, more, Lord, here, God. How could I ever not worship Him?

I have never been so ecstatic to hear the voice of God. After months of silence, it was the most precious thing I have ever heard. For now, I will worship. I won't stop. Until He says something else. And even then, I won't stop. I've learned what a treasure it is to be hearing from God, and will never take that for granted again.

"now You're here just like the sun after the rain, now You're here just like the calm after the waves, and I don't mean to sound surprised that You'd near, but yesterday I wasn't sure, praise God, You're here!" -Katy Kinard, Here